you would pick up someone in the library
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
