Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Randomize
