White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Randomize
