Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
