Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
