He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I am available for nakedness
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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