I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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