Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
