Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Randomize
