Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
