I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
