how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
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