i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I just had sex on a roof
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
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