I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Randomize
