Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
