I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
