Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
