you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
