so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Randomize
