I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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