Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
