dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
You ate ashes out of my bong
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
