You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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