apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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