i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Ambien. No doubt about it.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
