I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
