cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
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