I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
