he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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