She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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