Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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