you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
