I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
