We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
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