sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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