you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
do herpes really smell.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
