Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
