thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
