i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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