My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
operation have a gay friend backfired
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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