I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
