rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
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