i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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