it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
