You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
