so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
