Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
