Well douche your snatch and let's go!
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
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