our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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