dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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