Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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