Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
