I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
