you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize