Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
