the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
porn star boner night. come get it.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
you inspire me to be a worse person
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
