how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
