fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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