Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
