You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
